honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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