you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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