Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
