hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
