dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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