Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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