I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
