were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
