Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
