maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
