Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
