dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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