I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
