Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
