Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
