Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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