I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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