You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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