please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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