I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
