I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
