Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
