census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
