I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
