Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
