the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
