i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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