Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
