so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
