Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
