I feel great
I just peed on a car
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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