Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
