everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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