woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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