She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
