I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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