Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
