There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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