Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
