just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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