yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
