I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
