i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
