Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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