Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
