did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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