would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
