Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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