so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
