My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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