I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
