I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
