Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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