I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
