I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
