i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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