never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
