Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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