Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
