i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i will never coherently bang her
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
