make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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