On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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