Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
