I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I currently don't understand fingers.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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