my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
