The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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