I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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