I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
