I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
