She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
