I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
