Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
