Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
